Proverbs by Dean
by glittergoddess13
Summary: Dean Winchester interprets classic proverbs and clichés with meanings in today’s world. Pretty much, he just smarts off. CRACKFIC!
1. Chapter 1

_**Dean Winchester interprets classic proverbs and clichés with meanings in today's world. Pretty much, he just smarts off. **_

_**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x-x**_

_All things grow with love- _**Just touch me and I grow in 3 seconds or less**

_American as apple pie_**.-**** NO MORE FREAKIN' APPLE PIE!**

_An angel belongs in the garden_**. And a slut belongs in Bed.**

_An axe to grind._**Sounds like FUN to me.**

_Ants in his pants._**Hey, keep your kinky crap to yourself**

_As cold as ice._**Willing to sacrifice.**

_As fresh as a daisy._**Summer's EVE**

_A good denial, the best point in law._** Lie like a MOFO!**

_Ashes to ashes dust to dust. _**Get off your ass and ****vaccum**

_As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party._**Who farted?**

_At the __bottom of the pecking order_**I like the bottom… or being on top.**

_A drowning man is not troubled by rain. _**No shit****…****Really****…****cause uh**** HE'S DEAD! ****Numbnuts**

_At the crack of dawn._**Been there.****Met a girl named Dawn once.**

_Beat around the bush. _**NO****…****really****..you want me to comment on that**** ahem**

_Beat it into the ground. _**Can we skip the beating section? Cause, this is too easy.**

_Between a rock and a hard place._**Yes, you can have directions to my pants.**

_Bit off more than you can chew. _**See comment above this one.**

_Do unto others like you want them to do unto you. _**You do me, I'll do you.**

_Beauty is the Mistress, the Gardener Her Slave. _**I have handcuffs. Let me tie you up.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Beauty is a fading flower. _** Getting old sucks!**

_Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. _** I chose not to look****. But the holding part sounds great.**

_Pillow Talk._** Let's do it again.**

_Pulling Onions._** What? Uh… never heard anyone call it an onion, but you can pull it if you want to.**

_Bed Out. _**Is that when you fall out of bed during sex, but you just keep at it on the floor.**

_Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. _** What isn't better a poke to the eye? Wait... a kick in the groin is worse…. Way worse.**

_A bird in the hand is messy._** No shit! Wow you're a genius.**

_A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. _** No, in the bush is better.**

_Blame it on the rain. _**Wasn't this a song by the lip-sync band Sam liked... ****Milli**** Vanilla fudge or something?**

_Bless my weeds. _**HOLY MARIJUANA!!!!!!!! Ahem… wonder what that would do to demons. HEY SAM…. I found a new weapon.**

_Bless my bloomers. _**Um…**** I... uh… I'm not sure anything I would do with you bloomers would make them holy.**** Course I don't know any woman that wear bloomers. Those lace things… those are good.**

_Brought down to earth._** What happens when you fall off the ****barstool.**

_A dog is wiser than a woman; it does not bark at its master. _**Hey, that's a saying**** I didn't say it. I love woman!**** Bet that guy was a 40-year-old virgin!**

_You make your bed lie in it._** I made your bed too, can we ****lie**** in it.**

_Bee in her bonnet._** Crap in her pants.**

_The best thing since little apples._** She has great breast implants.**

_A prudent man does not make the goat his gardener. _** He did what with a goat???**


	3. Chapter 3

_Advice should be viewed from behind. _** You****'****r****e**** talking out your ass.**

_The best thing since sliced bread._**YEAH TOAST!**

_Bowels of the earth._**Sewer! Next one, please!**

_Bread and wine._** Goes great with Butter and Cheese! Hell, this is fun. Give me another. **

_Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die. _** HA ****HA****Fooled both of them.**

_Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime. _** Do ****Doublemint**** Twins count? **

_A broken hand works, but not a broken heart. _** Dude, I am so not touching that one. **

_A closed mouth catches no flies. _** A closed mouth also drinks no beer or flirts with no women.**

_A hard beginning makes a good ending. _** Wood! Man, this is too easy. NEXT!**

_A hedge between keeps friendship green._** Stay the hell off my lawn.**

_C'est__ la vie._ **Is that a French donut?**

_Carpe __diem _** A**** lousy tasting fish.**

_Tomorrow is another day. _** Thanks, Scarlet ****O'hara****! Or was that Annie? Damn, my 9****th**** grade ****teacher for making us watch**** those. I still have nightmares!**

_I will survive. _** Gloria Gainer. **

_Every rose has its thorn._**sings****) Was it something I said or something I ****did.**** Did my words not come out ****right.****Though I tried not to hurt you.**** Yes, I tried. But, I guess that's why they say, Every Rose Has it thorns….**

_Shit happens._ **Especially after the nacho special in Juan's Taco house.**

_Bless the flowers and the weeds, my birds and bees._**Getting it on in the garden.**

_A loan though old is not gift._**Sam, you remember that ****20 **** bucks****I gave you in 96. I'd like it back**

_Don't look a gift horse in the mouth._** Don't look a gift horse in the ass. Really, where are up supposed to look. All of it seems so wrong. ****Sickos**

Don't worry, be happy ! _** Oh CRAP! Now that song will be stuck in my head! **_

_You are known by the company you keep._** I'm still humming that ****freakin****' song. I HATE YOU!**


	4. Chapter 4

_As mad as a March hare. _**F'in**** Nuts!**

_As proud as a peacock. _**It's Big.**

_Beggars shouldn't be choosers. _**I've had ten beers.**

_Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. _** So you know who you are telling off.**

_Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own. _** I'm perfect!**

_Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead. _**Well no shit!**

_God gives the nuts, but he doesn't crack them. _** That sounds painful. Let's skip that.**

_This too, shall pass._ **Much like chili dogs, beans, and corn.**

_It seemed like a good idea at the time._ **I've used that excuse before.**

_If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit_. ** It's a proven fact that I'm the center of the universe.**

_There is nothing to fear but fear itself._ ** Don't forget demons, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, gremlins, dust bunnies, Paris Hilton, and the Olsen Twins.**

_No news is good news._ **No one is telling you anything and it's all about you.**

_There's no place like home._** There's no place like a strip joint.**

_Curiosity killed the cat. _** No, it was a car.**

_Haste makes waste._** I like it slow.**

_Honesty is the best policy._** That is a big lie.**

_When in doubt, consult your inner child. _**Í have a ****kiddie**** pool full of jello. Let's get naked.**

_Parting is such sweet sorrow._ **You hate to leave me, but I'm glad to see you go.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Life is a bitch. _** So is Sam. Man , this is so easy. **

_Blow hot and cold. _**Don't know what it means, but I'd let you try. As long as it doesn't involve a Vacuum.**

_Break new ground. _**THREE CHICS! YES!**

_A lock is better than suspicion._** A gun is better than a lock.**

_Nobody is perfect _** Except me.**

_Bloom where you are planted. _** Unless your pot, then bloom where the cops can't see you.**

_If you can't beat them, join them. _**Sometimes a good beating is joining them. So join them, beat them. It's all good. Please call me at 555-8675 if you have a join beating experience. I'll be happy to help you out.**

_Bright as a full moon. _** Let's moon the neighbors!**

_Go out on a limb. _** Really you want me to answer that!! (laughs) Really... Limb (laughs) Even Sam would be in the gutter with this one. I got your limb right here baby!**

_Big as life. _** See the limb!**

_The meek shall inherit the earth. _** Cause the fighters will be going out in a Bang... BANG wait... see the limb again!**

_A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. _** Lying gets laid. Truth joins a convent.**

_Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die! _** You're running out of proverbs aren't you?**

_Maybe. _

_Never swap horses crossing a stream. _** Really what the hell is up with all the horses? Do you have a fetish or what?**

_Smith and Wesson or a Colt always beat four aces._**Who said that! I like him!**

_There are three kinds of people; those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those who don't know what's happening. _**So kill it, watch it die, and hope it doesn't come **_**back.**_

_Lust wants whatever it can have. _** Hmm… what did you have in mind?**

_Life is short, but troubles make it longer._** Then I am living forever! SCORE!**

The man you want to keep bound to you should be chained by food and drink. **Is this the kink section? If you tie up your playmate, don't forget to feed them. Cause after their dead, it's a whole different kinda freaky!**

_Fear, not kindness, restrains the wicked._** Is that some strange S&M in Utah?**


	6. Chapter 6

_Don't whistle and drink at the same time._ **Swallow!**

What you didn't hope for happens more often than what you hoped for. **Look for shit to hit the fan.**

It's too late to ask advice when danger comes. **Shoot first!**** Run next! Shoot more!**

Nobody underestimates his own troubles. **My life sucks! So does yours!**

When you have just climbed out of a deep well and are perched on top, you are in the greatest danger of falling in again. **Don't fall back in.**

A man needs a good mirror to scrutinize his heart as well as his face. **You'll need a knife.**

It is stupid to complain about misfortune that is your own fault. **You drank 3 pitchers of beer. SUCK IT UP.**

Everybody lives; not everybody deserves to. **Hmmm****.. I have a list of the people who should be on the not deserve list**

Fortune is glass; just when it gleams brightest it shatters. **You're drunk and you dropped the glass.**

If fortune wants to do you in, she makes you stupid. **That explains so much. Beerfest. Fear Factor. ****American Idol. ****Home Videos. ****The caveman show. ****WHO KNEW?**

The bigger the undertaking, the trickier it is. **There are positions you should never try unless you perform in a circus or are double jointed. Beware the dismount!**

Make me chaste and pure, but not yet. **Lady in the street, freak in the bed.**

Speech is given to many; intelligence to few. **You're stupid****stop talking.**

Make lots of promises: anybody can be rich in them. **Lie, lie again. Lie some more.**

It is better to profit by a horrible example than to be one. ** When your friends jump off the bridge, you wave goodbye to their ass****es**

The man who inspects the saddle blanket instead of the horse is stupid; most stupid is the man who judges another man by his clothes or his circumstances. **Can you leave the horses alone!**** PERVERT!**

There is no point in seeking a remedy for a thunderbolt. ** Cause your dead, Dumbass. Or shooting lightning bolts out your ass.**** Now there's a mutant power! Call STAN LEE!**

The great thing is to know when to speak and when to keep quiet. **Don't fart in a crowded elevator.**

Anger is the one thing made better by delay. **So bottle it up until it****s rancid then let it fly with the fart in the crowded elevator. Damn, I kill me (laughs)**


	7. Chapter 7

A fellow who gets more than he deserves wants more than he gets. **_Can I call this one a no shit!_**

A fire can't throw a great light without burning something. **_Don't stand so close, moron! Eww.. move on. I just thought of the words Weeine roast!_**

Whatever you want to teach, be brief. **_Okay… target, aim, shoot. Hunting 101.. Call me Professor Dean. Now let's work on your GPA the hard way._**

It happens to the best. **_I hope it happens to me a lot._**

The devil made me do it. **_That's not funny… you know… uh…met him once… took the tour… sadly they don't have the I went to hell and all I got was this t-shirt._**

He who is everywhere is nowhere. **_WHAT? Can we go back to the ones like Confusious says man who stand on toilet is high on pot? I like those better. I'm bored._**

A traveller with empty pockets can whistle in a robber's face. **_Aint got shit! (laughs)_**

What hurt him most was his outrageous opinion of his own worth. **_Ain't worth a shit. (laughs harder)_**

Thrift is misery with a good press agent. **_Still don't have shit._**

It is dangerous to guard something everybody wants. **_Has the shit._**

Be careful about starting something you may regret. **_Legs can only bend so far. Trust me (grins)_**

Beauty and wisdom don't mix. **_Beer and sex do! PB&J, Sex and Candy! S&M! Swimsuit models… well, not sure about wisdom on that… but you would be a dumbass to pass that up._**

Any man can make a mistake; only a fool keeps making the same one. **_There once was a girl from Nantucket._**

The silence of a stupid man looks like wisdom. **_She did something with a bucket…something something suck it. Maybe Something about Sonny Crockett._**

You're not being serious anymore. **_Dude, you lost me up at… ah… hell… uhh…. When did I say I was bored?_**

Going to Hell is easy; it's coming back that's hard! **_AGAIN.. no shit. Dude, what is it with you and the crap things… you seem to be on a trend. You got some issues. Do you need a moment?_**

No. **_Just asking! I can wait._**

No… can we just. **_Oh… Batman and Robin… oh.. but the old ones look gay?_**

What? **_You know the things that go together… beer…sex…Dude, you need to keep up (laughs)_**


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